Sesehewan (part III) 🐇🐇🐇

 Hmmmmm, pertama tama.........nggak nyangka bakal nyampai part III 😂.

I guess i love animals a little bit too much, then.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, i still love animals a little bit too much now.

There are a lot of things i want to share here since it's been a long time since i updated about my pets. As you can see on my previous entry, i had a mixed breed lionhead rabbit named Wawa. I had him as my company for almost 3 years, until i had to go for studying in other city.🙍

Wawa mampir vet gamau makan :( Waktu itu belum punya keranjang hewan :(

One year passed since i left home that my family told me that we lost our lovely Wawa😔😭. I got a whatsapp chat from my family saying that he was gone and can't be found anywhere. I received that message when i was studying in class, and that made me bothered, i can't focus on literally any lecture that day. I was sad, yet also.....mad. I blamed everyone for losing Wawa at home. I know i was overreacting too much but...... I raised him😢. I was the one who cleaned his poos, took him to vet, feed him, and most importantly befriended him😔. It's hard to bond with rabbit, because unlike cat who've been domesticated for a long time, rabbits are prey animals. They need more time and attention not to scare them too much so that we bonded fine. And we did. He was the sweetest rabbit i've had. He licked, kiss, flopped beside me, slept next to me, and.... he even woke me up when he wanted to play😭. I, who didn't think that bunny can be such a sweet animals, was moved when i was with him. So, losing him really hurts a lot😢. 

My family bought some other rabbits after that, maybe... to fill the house? I mean the atmosphere from having Wawa for almost 3 years, and then suddenly he's gone, it must've felt empty. There were two rabbits they bought (i said they, because... i don't know, i didn't really bonded with these rabbits, i only see them when i got back home once in every other month 😣). They are Wumbo and Walsu.🐇🐇

Wumbo is a rabbit my little brother bought from the same store i used to get Wawa. Wumbo was a rex breed, with broken brown and black color. She was an ugly duckling in the pet store, but Aan chose her for quite good reason. She was very energetic unlike any other rabbits there and her fur has a velvety touch to it and so he likes it a lot. 💓👶

Wumbo mirip menthog :( Telinganya lebih gede dari kepala ah :(

Walsu is also not a rabbit my family buy, but was given by another person close to our family. Walsu was a big rabbit, but i wasn't sure of what breed he was. I thought that maybe he was a flemish giant rabbit. Walsu had a very unique personality and kinda resembled Wawa at some aspects. He did a lot of flop beside hooman, and was very comfortable around human! It was....relieving. 😁💆

Walsu sebenarnya singkatan dari Wawa Palsu :""""

But they didn't....lived long in my house. My family lost them again while i was away studying in other city. And it turned out that Wumbo actually fell on to a deep hole somewhere in my backyard (now we closed the hole so that other rabbits won't end up the same)🌱. And Walsu...... we have no idea of what happened to him at all. We guessed that just like Wawa, someone took him when he was close to the fence (my fence had ground gap that fits the size of Wawa and Walsu, so it is possible for someone to take them away, we did look on the cctv footage of the front of my house📷📺, but can't really figure who took them).😫

When i got back home in late March 2020, i had no pets because since i lost Wawa i thought that maybe i was too careless to leave my pets at my home while I'm away studying in other city🙅. Even if there are my family at home but I kinda have this distrust feeling because I think that no one in my family will be a greater bunny-mom like i do👼. So, if i'm going to have a new pet, i need to either train my family to overthink about pet like i do, or i need to stay at home for a long time and coming back to study in other city just after i'm sure that my pet will be safe without having me around (that include sending bunny food and hay to my house🌿, building a perimeter around⛳ just so bunny won't go outside my house, reminding my family to feed and clean my pet,etc)😈. And there is also this feeling of concern, i was worried if i had a new bunny, they'll replace Wawa for me, and i don't want that😔. I know it's silly to think like that👶, because there are many stray animals out there, wishing for a home/family that'll treat them well. But i just can't bear to think that i would have to love another bunny besides Wawa😔. Maybe, i'm a very loyal person??? hehehehe~😌

But my uncle (not by blood, just a close person to my family) brought me 2 BUNNIES! just like that, suddenly, out of nowhere. He just gave us those and told us that these bunnies would be happy to live in my house (since i have quite spacious backyard for bunny running around, or......hopping around)🐇🏃

Memang luas kalo buat kelinci, tapi tamanku juga jadi... habis rumpotnya :<

They are new zealand breed, they have white fur and red eye (yes it's sharingan they are uchiha bunnies)👀. And most importantly.... THEY ARE CUTEEEEEEE😂💜. Their name are Wholi (female) and Whili (Male). 

Masih keciiiiiil 2-3 bulanan, gabisa dibedain sama sekaliii

Whili (male) has a brave and independent traits. He's often seen alone, just resting by himself, but he's the 2nd most calm and social in terms of interacting with hooman (The 1st place is for Wawa). Because of his lonely appearance, me and my brother calls him sadboi. 👨😓

Whili menemani aku kuliah dengan cara menjadi lucu

Wholi (female) has a sassy personality👄. She doesn't like being picked up like Whili does. She's also very greedy, she will only loves you when you have food around. All of my bunny responds to my calling, but Wholi i think, has the best ear (even if i only move the plastic food container for a little, she can hear it and come directly where I am🍓🍒🍐🍏). She loves grooming Whili (which is an act of compassion/love for rabbits) but Whili doesn't groom her. That's why nowadays I see Wholi hangs around more with other bunny (the alpha male you'll see after this) because that alpha male grooms and loves Wholi all the time! It's cute to see bunny love stories HAHAHAHAHA👰👰

Wholi yang hobi makan dan malas malasan. Dibeliin kalung biar beda sama Whili

After quite some time Whili and Wholi spent days living in my house, my dad's friend gave us another new bunny!!!!!! OMG HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.🐇🐇🐇🐇

Never heve I expect to have this many bunny in one place. Now I'm kinda afraid that they'll mate and give us more baby bunny tho .____. 🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇

Anyway i'm still happy! Let me introduce them! Sepi and Monsterr!!!🐄👾

Sepi dan Monster waktu pertama kali dateng ukurannya 2x Wholi Whili !!!

Sepi 🐄 is a Rex Breed (Just like Wumbo). I gave her the name Sepi because her lashes and eyes are so big and pretty just like Cow's 👀💜💁 She has the best fur, hers is even more velvety than Wumbo's. She has quite shy personality. I guessed that she was kinda stressed when she first came, she only stayed on one spot and just sit there refusing to eat😔. Now she's good tho! She even mate with.....Monster and gave me such cute baby bunnies!!!!!!!!! I haven't named all of them, i'm too confused on how to differentiate them HAHAHAHAHA.🙉🙊

Sepi punya lipatan lemak di leher yang lucuuuuuuu sekaliiiii!!

Monster is the alpha male!👾 He is a Flemish Giant breed (and he is HUGE🐘). He weighs a little over than 3 kgs at the moment. But he has a bold personality, and not scared of hooman or anything. Even when stray cats came visit my house, the cat will be scared of Monster 😅😂 The cat's size is almost as the same as Monster's. HAHAHAHA. But with all of the cute things he has (his round head and flabby ear), he has a bad habit!👿 He sprays pee everywhere! I was sprayed at least 5 times till now. Rabbits spray pee because they are naturally territorial animal, and Monster does it to 'mark' Wholi and Sepi as 'his'. So that Whili won't have a chance to mate with them. Such a sadboi👦😓.

Pak Bos yang berkuasa atas seluruh rumah dan halaman

Besides all of my bunnies, there are some cats who like to pay us a visit! We named them of course, but these days i'm kinda annoyed by how they always poop in my back yard (I'm scared that my bunny will step on it!!! HHHHHH). They always come back to ask for food and they also ask us to pet them everytime. They even got into the house and went upstairs to my room. 

Habis pulang sholat isya ketemu kucing manjaaaa banget, suka dipukpuk, kita namain PokPok!

Ini Oyen, dia yang paling bandel dan suka masuk rumah buat minta elus :(

Hobby-ness.

I feel so bad this evening and i decided to write my thoughts and...voila i posted 3 entry in just one night.

Writing works! 

I'm really sorry but bear with me, okay?

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I unninstalled my instagram a week ago. 

The reason?

Jealousy.

Yup, i'm envious of everything that my friends can do and share it on their story.

I'm pretty scary,right? I wouldn't want to be my friend if i wasn't me.

As i said before, my quaraine life is so lifeless. I did the same thing all over again everyday, every week, for at least 4 months now. I know my friends feel the same thing at some point in this quarantine. Some of them are tweeting on how they're bored in their house, miss their 'real' communication with their close friend, and some even miss on the night shifts we hate before covid exist.

They're bored, 

I'm bored.

So aren't we the same? Why do i envy them?

Well, they may be bored but

THEY DID A LOT!!!!

Come on, i can't even count on how many of my friends opens new fnb selling acc. 

They're being super cool out there! (or since it's quarantine,should i say.... in there? wkwkkwk)

Baking,

Cooking,

Drawing and making their own comic,

Selling their product,

Gardening,

Investing, ( I don't know if i can consider this as a hobby tho )

Travelling, ( I also don't think that it's safe to travel these days )

and bunch of other stuffs.

It must be nice to be productive and get income from your hobby, right?

I remember once people say that u should work from ur passion/hobby instead of working to afford your hobby.

Well, i am not that envious and negative all of a sudden. I am grateful that they're doing what they love and be able to make something out of it. It's a pandemic, tho. We need to be grateful that someone is still making a living in this hard time. 

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I thought maybe.... let's do a hobby too? And.....hopefully make something out of it?

And then i caught myself staring at the wall thinking of what really is my hobby.

I always wrote in my 'bio' that my hobby is listening to music, reading, and browsing.

Now that i think about it.....

You can't really call that a hobby, can you?

It's more of a daily routine, rather than something special you do in your spare time.

(It's like one time when my high school friend answered my teacher question abt her hobby. She answered that her hobby is sleeping. And then my teacher slap her in the face with a statement that sleeping is something we need, not a hobby).

And then i began the search of my true hobby.

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The first thing i try?

Keyboard. 

I played keyboard (not the keyboard on your PC, more like the keyboard as a musical instruments) when i was in elementary school.

I remembered that my little brother has just got into kindergarten and there was a music subject. My parents somehow think that it's cool to have the music teacher come over and teach us how to play instruments. So to be clear, it was actually my little brother who started it first (music lesson), not me. 

My parents bought my brother a keyboard worth 2.000.000 at that time (Now i thought.. for that time, it's so expensive guys i'm so grateful of my parent hardwork so that their children can afford these things .____. ) My little brother started the lesson first, and i would peek from the living room. Hehehe.

I 've always been interested in piano. I liked Kevin Aprillio from Vierra wkwkwkwk. I always imagined that i'd be super cool, pretty, and graceful if i can play piano. And even if i was still a child, i've always imagined that i'd be 'close' to someone that can play me a piano/violin (i thought that it was bloody romantic).

My parents noticed me peeking and they told me to just go out and practice with my brother. I ended up doing that keyboard lesson for a year and a half. I memorized chords, i can read partiture, i can play simple songs. I remember my very first pop song i played was Terimakasih Cinta by Afgan wkwkwk.

But, that's it. I kinda have an on-off relationship with my keyboard ever since.

I can play now, but with the help of my teacher.

It's called youtube sensei.

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What's the next thing on my hobby list?

I really want to say that i love singing and i did explore my singing hobbies but....

To be real good at singing, you really need a gift from God i think.

I think most singers are born with anatomical features that you can't just developed easily. 

So......... scratching that off my list.

Wait, i did cook and bake a lot back then!

I can cook and bake too right now! I can sell my food too, right?

Well apparently it's not that easy.

For your food to taste good and sell-able you need to experiment with recipes right? You need to make a 'special' thing that only your food can do. Meaning that you'll probably spend a lot of money, time, and your stomach space to do so.

In normal circumstances, i would still give it a try. Cooking and baking is fun to me.It also brings me happiness when people taste my food and they say it tastes good.

The thing is......

I'm trying to lose weight.

Yup.

I'm in quarantine and do much less than what i used to do before quarantine. And i snack a lot when i'm bored. No wonder my weight scale reached the peak of seventy.....something 😩 (i can't say the exact number that's a top secret information right there).

I'm watching my calories now, i know it sounds dumb but it actually works. And i want to keep on seing that numbers on the scale drop😁! 

In short, no cooking for me this time!

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What else guys? come on, i'm running out of option!

Do i need to explore something i've never done before?

Something that's not too wild but unfamiliar and out of my comfort zone?

But what could that be?

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Just when i thought about another option, youtube recommended a video for me.

The title?

Chloe Ting.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Me? Exercising? at home?

Is exercise even a hobby???????????????????

I can't barely run in a field without worrying about my friend will go in the same time as me and see me struggling to finish a lap. Exercise is...... something i've been avoiding since.......high school perhaps.

I used to be super good at running tho. 

When i was in my junior high school, i was given a task to sprint 100m and run a lap (480m something). I was the 2nd fastest! (among the girls, of course).

I also played basketball when i was in elementary school. I really liked badminton since i was a kid,too!

Shortly, i was good. And then i became fat, so i stopped. 

(I stopped being good at it).

My parents are from army. They really like to push their kid to exercise in city field every weekend. Be it running, cycling, or even swimming, they just want us to move our lazy ass every weekend. And in their old age too, they still have the spirit to exercise and be good at it.

Well if i were that good, my parents are also good at it, and i'm trying to lose weight, it's worth to try....... isn't it?

And so i tried.

I did it.

I lasted a month. 

Lost some pounds.

I was so proud of myself.

But that weight loss story needs to be told in another entry, i guess.

At the time, exercise feels good!

I can't believe i'm saying that right now (Since now i'm back being a lazy ass and writing these useless stuff).

But also, i feel addicted.

That's when i think i should reconsider if exercise was a good choice to be my new hobby.

It was a holy month of ramadhan. When moslem fast from daylight to sunset, everyday, for a month.

And that holy month also when i was doing chloe ting challenge HAHAHAHAHAHA.

I don't know if u guys know this or not, but just one video of chloe thing can easily kill you man. (Especially for an untrained person like me).

And i pushed myself, i did 3-4 videos a day.

Every. day.

For 2 weeks.

And continue with random amount of exercise another week.

When i was free from tasks and waiting for my online lecture to start...I exercised.

I exercised so much and skipped meals (iftaar meals). 

There were so many red flags like my weight drops 4kgs in 1-2days, and also my late period. It doesn't take too long that my brain is doing it wrong.

I didn't think exercise as a new hobby, it became just.....and adiction with no more happiness while doing it. I keep thinking of how many more and more and more videos I can do every day. 

So i give myself a break.

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Okay, so what's next?

I can't believe that exercise turns out too wild for me, who's looking for a perfect ideal body. I still do it tho, just not to that extent.

Just then, i thought about dancing.

WHAAAAAAAAAAT? DANCING?

yes, dancing.

I didn't know if i should share it here or not but..... i took a very long time in the shower. And that's not because i'm singing. So....what is it?

I...play music out loud in the bathroom, and.....ah. I can't really talk about it. But considering that i'm talking about dancing then you should probably get the idea of what am i doing.

I started with small short covers of kpop songs that i like. It was very hard but actually i'm quite familiar with dancing to kpop.

I had filmed myself and my friends dancing to Gee and Sorry Sorry when i was in junior high school. And that was the most embarassing video of me, ever. But my past friend (AND ALSO EX BOYFRIEND) saw it. I just.....hhhhhh. 

Like all of my listed hobby above, i started by doing youtube and google search things. I searched for dancing tutorial that i can understand and i'm most comfortable with.

I followed the steps, and oh boy it takes 30 minutes for me to learn a 30 seconds move. But that's okay, i'm happy doing it.

From 30 seconds to 1 minute,

From 1 minute to a whole song,

From 1 song to....idk how many i learned now but let's list it out shall we?

-Itzy Wannabe (i stopped until the end of 1st chorus)

-Somi birthday (i also stopped at the end of 1st chorus)

-Mamamoo hip (ofcourse i also stopped at the end of 1st chorus)

-Red velvet Psycho (I stopped at the end of interlude.... i guess(?))

-Blackpink 16 shots (I finished it)

-Blackpink Ddu Ddu Ddu (also finished it)

-Blackpink HYLT (finished it, i really love em ffs)

And some more other than kpop songs i danced to.

And by that, i finally find one thing i really enjoy and i want to keep doing it for the rest of my life (perhaps). I'm so glad i got the guts to do it now, because this is a perfect circumstances. I had the time and my own private space to learn this new hobby (because i'm very shy, i lived with my brother and grandpa grandma when i'm at college so i don't really have privacy there).

But maybe even when the time and space isn't enough, I think i will still dance silently in my bedroom when this quarantine things end. Hehe, wish me luck! and... not be embarassed abt it HAHA!

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Well that sums up my exploration of my hobby up to this time.

It is no doubt that i still want to explore other kind of hobby, especially the ones that I can turn into income next time. 

I also still feel insecure of myself, comparing my activity and others and somehow still be sad about it.

But the journey of finding your path, doing something that makes you happy and forget about the insecurity for some time, that's the thing that i want to keep doing no matter what,

Until the time that i'm going to be so busy be happy with my own journey, i have no time to compare myself with you guys.

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Let's walk our path to ourselves together, even when we have different road or even finish line, okay?

I successfully did nothing.

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These days, it's been hard for everyone right? 😖

It's suddenly became scary and dangerous to go outside, even just to get groceries or receive food and goods delivery just outside the fence.💀

People stay at home and connect with each other through 'virtual' world. 

Quarantine has become a 'thing' now.🏡

It's no different with me, my coass life is transitioning online. (which is confusing and worrisome, but i'll tell you more about that later). I'm at my hometown , a far different town from my college. 

I think 4 months has passed when i wrote this. I'm home with.....not much to do, compared to my old daily routine as a coass in my college. There are of course online lesson, some tasks, and tests but the vibes just feel different, almost like... empty feelings kind of thing.😕

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I need help from you guys on how to get rid of this empty feeling so let me share my quarantine days with you and tell me if there's anything wrong.😶

My daily routines goes like:

waking up,😣

pray,👼

morning nap,💤

woke up rushing to open line and zoom,😱

online lecture,😶

taking care of my pet while there is spare time between lecture,🐇

not taking shower until the online thing finished,💆

pray,👳

brunch,🍛

do useless thing (tv, youtube, manga, anime, social media),😎

pray,👲

dinner,🍜

do tasks / do more of useless thing (depends on the task and the mood i'm in)💩

pray,👸

try to sleep,😩

waking up.😠

What's wrong in that?

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I just feel like i'm very unproductive you know. I'm seeing on social media where my friends cook, make stuffs, learn new things, even become a host/guest on online webinar session, writes, draws, etc.😞😞😞

And what did i achieve during quarantine???? 😨😨😨

nothing.😭😭😭

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Just kidding, i re read all 700++ chapters of naruto and watch shokugeki no souma.

Please tell me that's not nothing.😢

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Wait, what did you say?

It's not nothing but............definitely not something useful for me?😠

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Well okay, at least i didn't do nothing.😌

How did i end up here ? 😂😂😂

I remember that my very first blog was made for school assignment (nah lho, dari kecil sudah diajari melakukan sesuatu hanya untuk menggugurkan kewajiban 💆). 

It's not after some time that i decided to actually run a blog with real content, which i described as ----- what's supposedly to be a useful information (useful is a pretty strong word tho, i don't feel like that was useful after all 😷). 

I mean, my very first post in my old blog was about greek gods and their.... ability(?). Now that i think of it, maybe i wasn't really posting useful information at all, it just happened to be written when i was finishing percy jackson novels 🙊.

After a long time, I just can't keep up on running a blog with 'useful' content. I stopped posting for maybe 1-2 years? just to open my old blog again and trying my best not to cringe at it. 

Come on, i had those glittery sparkly cursor widget, guys. How can i not cringe???

I deleted every post and renew my blog after that 👋. 

Good bye............ 'useful' blog 😂😂😂.

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I posted a more 'me' type of entry in my current blog, which consist of funny stories, cooking stuff, also pet stuff, also my deep thoughts that i can't say out loud. 👀

I have a lot of thought in my mind and now that i put my mind in this blog.......

This blog is officially a mess😇. 

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But you know, i'm not complaining.🙆

Even when people say that you can't erase digital track of yourself on the internet ((which also means that these stupid thoughts are open to the world and i can't do nothing abt it)),

I feel safe here.😁

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Now this has become a place, I can pour my heart in.💜

My Thoughts. (Part I)

"everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about".

It was a hot,dry, night in October.

I didn't turn my AC on, but it feel super cold my feet are freezing on its own. I was scrolling through my feed on instagram when someone send me a message saying something bad happened. The person told me about the bad situation on another messenger app, describing how severe the situation is. The problem itself wasn't an important thing,tho. But it certainly made me write this in the middle of the night.

The bad situation above was nothing but a small matter, I know I can easily figure it out. 

But the thoughts after i got the problems? That I don't know how to deal with. 

The problem was about me doing something i shouldn't have in the past, making bad decision, causing someone to ask me for a payback regarding the casualties i've caused by taking the decision in the past. Oh, I wasn't even scared, I knew that was a fcking threat from a sly person slash gold digger slash scum. How did I know? well easy, they didnt even mention it at the first time we met. they said the problem was clear and so. But when I was not around? they baffled about this situation and payback thing. Hah? bullshit. You were just too scared to ask me for payback in the face. That's the first thing, im not scared and this payback thing is not why i wrote this entry for. 

But it did got me thinking, how would i pay back my decision in the past? I mean, i will take responsible for it. Im also not a scaredy cat who runaway from my problems (at least until i finish this entry, who knows whats gonna happen at the end of this entry right?). I thought about fresh money this scum is talking about. I calculated the amount of it. It was a big amount for someone who has no job like me. But you know, im glad i have a financially stable parent. Maybe i could cut my monthly pocket money and use it to payback this scum. 

Problem solved, right?

No.

That means i have to tell my parent what my problem is, why do i need my pocket money to be cut off monthly, and whom i give the money for? or simply how did i end up like this. That's not an easy question. It's kinda like spider web effects. It's big, its length times width equals complicated. It will require me to explain why i am in this environment, or project, or community, i was working for. I will have to tell them i was being pushed by this and that, who and what,tell them i was doing everything ilegally without consenting my parents in this city i study in,etc. That would get me into trouble, and they would scold me hard for it, possibly punish me harder than what this payback situation already did to me. They would probably talk about how reckless i am, how ignorant i am (i was going to say stupid, but my parents never tell me explicitly like that, they use softer adjective with same meaning as that), or i dont know, they would basically scold me for living like i am right now. And as long as i live, i think ive been this way for a long long time. Are they seriously gonna scold me for being me this past years? or maybe they were just holding it in this past years? Both sounds horrible. But yeah, whats more terrible is that this was all just my assumption, basing on what i knew about my parents, and how well they react to my problems, it's still a surprise of how they gon react to this. 

It could be worse.

Then, the thoughts came. 

Have u ever feel like something big just pass by and hit u hard in the head? It's like a storm coming out of nowhere, but it moves fast so when u start to process what just happened, youre already wet. Wet as hell. Wait, hell isn't wet, right? 

But i think you'd get it. It's the situation when u get hurt, super painful it feels like someone just left a big open scar on your chest, and it's also burning, like..... i don't know. Life gives you lemon sometimes (and then a dumb person came with the quote when life gives u lemon, make a lemonade out of it, well sir this life gives me lemon squeezed into my big fckin open scars in the heart it felt like the most painful heartbreak, (and i always get my heart broken))

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'The thoughts' are evil.

It's simple, but meaningful, and super painful.

It consists of questions like this:

"Why didn't i think it will become like this?"

"Why didn't i think?"

"Why am I such an ignorant, dumb, fool, stupid, ugly, fat, dark skinned, full of acnes, stingy, not thinking about others and their feelings and your action that could affect them maybe now they re hurt because u told them ur story they didnt even need to know and now they might be complaining to God about your existence??????????????"

Have u ever questioned yourself like that?

I mean, it was just about the payback before but after the thoughts came, it became super different. 

I will blame every single frickin small things super small atomic proton neutron shits out of myself.

It sucks.

But hey,

You know what sucks even more?

You probably won't even understand it.

You probably won't read this entry much further.

You probably won't reach this particular sentence of this entry.

You probably won't think this is a big deal.

You probably think I am a hyperbolic trying to be the saddest in the world bitj.

You probably think you don't know me when you finally see i use the word bitcj, fck, shit, and other curse word here.

You probably will hate me for behaving unlike what i dress. I mean, i know u expect me to be softer. I can feel that, some people even have said it to my face with no shame.

You'll still probably hate me even after i finish this entry, because i use probably a lot, you think i am judging you or being a smart ass person thinking i know everything?

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When i reached to the point i was hyperventilating and tears flowing harder than u refill ur free drinks at AYCE restaurants, i called a friend (nope, my friend called me first actually, after i rejected it so many times because i was too busy thinking about the 'probably's' if i told someone i am sad or having a bad situation, or simply not okay. Thank God my friend has a good instinct)

The first thing we spoke about was of course, he/she asked me if I was okay. And of course i didn't answer, i was too busy catching my breath.

And he/she asked what i was thinking, I still didn't answer. I was too busy taking deep breaths trying to calm my tits down. Yes, i am sorry for being harsher and harsher every now and then, judge me, i know you guys are good at that.

He/she asked me again, if I want to discuss about something, this time I answered it with a question

"How to kill urself quickly in the most painless thing possible?"

"...............Well, they could sedate you and give you lethal injections" he/she said.

"Where can we get that?"

"I don't think it's legal here."

"It doesn't have to be here."

"O.....kay, but it's against your religion to kill urself"

I stopped, religion is both the first and last thing i want to discuss regarding this 'thoughts' problems.

I personally think it hold the keys to a beautiful and calm life. But it also is a dead end for someone who feels like the world is against them. 

It's like when u get into tooo much problems you want to end your life but then religion stopped it by its verses. It's a dead end for suicide tempter, but also not a good solution for them. I mean, you seriously think suicide tempter can think clearly and contemplate what religion has for them? Religion has never mention specific things, technical things to deal with suicide thing except one : don't. 

It does not include any manuals of how to stop thinking about killing urself, i guess. 

It said maybe : to stop thinking about bad things, you have to think  about good things. If my brain was full of negative thoughts, and i cant even put more thoughts into it, how can u just expect me to fill it again with other thoughts? (positive one)

Religion is a medicine for someone who can think clearly at the moment, i dont think it's a good stop for them who is in the midst of thoughts storm.

Or.. you know, I don't.

Think.

Anyways, i'm going to pray again after i write this. I felt pretty sinful already.

===============================================================

My friend and I continue the convos. He/she starts bothering the hyperventilatic me by asking if

"Is it me?"

"Did I do something wrong?"

"U crying now right? I can hear that."

"What can I do?"

"What can I help?"

"I am sorry if it was because of me"

Ffs, stop the 'I' pronouns. Are you really thinking about my condition or are you just not wanting to feel guilty so you can feel better?

You are breathing fine. I am not.

How dare you still think about yourself and your mistake even asking me to forgive you when i didnt even say a thing because i was too busy breathing?

I hate it. I am sorry, i know you care.But I don't know what can u do for me. If i knew, i would have asked you the first time I answer your phone. But now maybe... I just want you to guide me breathe, pal, I know you can hear the gasping voice i made.

I didn;t want to tell u anything at the moment. I just need to breathe, I was in panic. 

I can't even breathe like really it feels like you hold your breathe for a second too long in the pool because the swim teacher ask the students to hold their breathe for 15,30,60 secs when u only have the capacity to hold 59'. 

But i got the handle of myself slowly, i still breathe like i just ran 5 laps of my college roads but it's better than before (it was that bad).

And of course my friend still asks me to tell me what happened.

So i told him/her what happened. 

Starting from the payback thing,

My thoughts to reach out some loan from my parents,

My evil thoughts following my solution,

includes of all thoughts,final thoughts, of me being not good enough, 

or more precisely,

not good at all.

You know what?

He/She keeps bursting in the midst of my story, saying sweet things such as

"No, you are a good bla bla bla"

"Ive been there too I know that thought"

"Bla bla bla bla i cant remember because i was too mad, bruh"

You told me to tell my problems, and then u replied it with yours.

Come on.

I asked him/her again if he/she wants to be an ear? or a mouth?

Does he/she listen to reply?

or to understand?

I was still hyperventilating, man. Don't make me mad and even narrows my breathe even more. U gon kill me or what? I mean, if u wanted to do so, thanks.

So I hung up the phone, text him/here politely that i should just take alone time for a while and to call him/her later when i feel better. (Still haven't told him/ her now, but I actually feel good writing this)

I walked and see my reflection in the mirror, i look bad, i mean super ugly with my red nose and eyes, plus the stuffiest eyes in the world now i look like chinese cuz i have slanted eyes.

I mean, this is not my worst cry, i am the best in crying. I cry silently and my tear glands are super productive and cooperative. I have no ide how i survived and still can open my eyes today, considering that I always cry every night.

Yup, let's jump into the next part where no one knows, now.

Good night.

Sesehewan (Part II)

Lanjutan dari cerita sesehewan sebelumnya yah.  :P

Semenjak aku pindah ke Magelang, nggak lagi deh aku punya peliharaan. Pol polan ya ikan sama burung yang aku nggak ikut ngurus soalnya semua di handle Bapak.
Kalo ditanya, "Emang nggak pengen? Nggak sepi di rumah?" jawabanku jelas pengen. Aku pengen punya hewan peliharaan! Emang rumahku nggak pernah sepi karena adek adekku selalu rame dan mbak mbakku juga. Dan kalaupun rumah lagi sepi, aku malah suka sih kan bisa tidur.
Menurut sel memori otakku, dulu pertama kali banget aku pengen punya peliharaan itu gara gara aku lihat temenku Lita yang kucingnya lucu dan enak dielus elus. Agak takut juga sih sama kucing, soalnya dia gede dan bercakar, tapi ya.... pengen. Kemudian fantasi ku beralih ke hewan pengerat kecil yaitu hamster. Ini gara gara mereka lucu pas mainan mainan. Sayangnya mereka bikin geli dan bikin bau. Nah pas kelas 11 ini aku jadi pengen lagi deh punya Kucing, gara gara temen deketku pada punya. Tapi aku sadar kucing agak menakutkan dan agak mahal. Kelihatannya mereka juga pemalas =_____= jadi niat untuk beli nggak pernah jadi jadi.

Setiap niatku pelihara hewan, aku nggak begitu mikir harga. Aku bisa nabung THR buat belinya, sayangnya aku nggak bisa nabung restu orang tua. Aku nggak akan pernah diizinin pelihara hewan peliharaan di rumah. Kata ibuk hewan hewan peiharaan itu penyakitan bau dan bikin kotor! Sedangkan Bapak oke oke aja, dulu sampe mau ngasih aku kucing. Sayangnya omongan Bapak itu kayak Go Fres, manis manis adem adem enak enak tapi akhirnya ilang juga. T.T

Sampe pas ultahku tahun ini, ada dua orang gila ngetok ngetok dan nggedor nggedor pager rumah pas tuan rumahnya lagi enak enak bobok siang. Sambil manggil manggil namaku entah udah berapa lama mereka panas panasan diluar nunggu dibukain. Aku dibangunin Farid, katanya ada temenku diluar. Gila aja, aku kaget lah! Siapa nih? Kayaknya aku nggak punya janji buat ngapa ngapain hari ini kok tiba tiba lagi enak enak ngiler ada tamu! Yaudah deh ganti baju seadanya dan aku intip, tamunya cewek. Dalam keadaan rusuh dan panik aku nggak sempat pake kerudung langsung bukain pintu.
Hhh.... coba aku punya foto mereka, orang orang melas nungguin pager dibuka siang siang bolong. Terus aku liat di deket pager kok ada kardus isi kelinci .---. bingung lah aku maksudnya apa, aku ngerti aku ultah tapi aku nggak kepikiran sama sekali bakal dikasih hewan peliharaan! ._____.  Begitu mereka masuk kita bincang bincang dilanjut sholat Ashar campur sholat Dhuhur gara gara lupa, dan lain lain sampai mereka pulang.

Jadi mereka bawain kado berupa kelinci dalem kerdus hahahaha.... Namanya Wawawi, nama yang mencuat karena aku ketagihan nonton Rabbid Invasion di GlobalTV, coba cek deh lagu nya pasti bunyi gini :
Wawawi wawawi
Wawawi wawawa
Wawawi wawawi
Wawa wa wawa 
Wawa wa wawaaaa
(Yang nyanyi dalem hati pas baca lirik, tos dulu bos)

  

Hi! Nama saya wawawi ^.^

Jadi Wawawi ini ukurannya kecil banget, kata temen ku itu yang paling kecil diantara kelinci lain yang dijual. Dia jantan warnanya putih agak corak abu abu gitu... Lucu banget soalnya keciiil. Sayangnya kok pas awal dateng ke rumah dia langsung pupski di kardus. Akhirnya aku sama temen temenku sama sama mbersihin pupskinya dia. Waktu itu, aku lupa gimana bentuk pupski kelinci normal, meskipun dulu aku pernah punya kelinci. Jadi waktu mbersihin pantatnya Wawawi,aku anggep pupskinya itu normal. Kemudian dua harian setelah dia dateng aku baru sadar dia pupskinya nggak normal waktu pertama dateng (alias mencret, ini penyakit biasa buat kelinci dan bisa berujung ke kematian).
Wawawi aku tempatin di kandang burung untuk sementara, karena aku juga gapunya kandang kelinci (tapi kayaknya it's ok aja sih... ga beda beda jauh ama kandang kelinci di pasaran). Aku kasih pelet buat makanan nya, karena aku nggak ngerti harus dikasih makan apa yang bagus. Setelah search di internet ternyata yang bagus buat kelinci itu hay alias kayak rumput/jerami yg sengaja dikeringin gitu. Sayangnya, nggak ada yang jual di Magelang... disini kelinci paling banter makanannya pelet, atau sayur sayuran dari pasar.

Pokoknya aku murni tau cara ngerawat Wawawi lewat internet, mulai kandang, makanan, aktifitasnya, dkk. Cukup membantu juga sih buat orang awam kayak aku. Nah setelah surfing di internet ini aku berencana bawa satu kelinci lagi buat nemenin Wawawi biar nggak stress.
                                              

 Ups salah masuk. Gak bisa keluar, Ma. Maafin Wawi.

Akhirnya keesokan paginya aku beli deh! Dia betina soalnya kalo jantan-jantan pas lagi musim kawin bisa brutal satu sama lain, ngerusak testikel pejantan lain katanya (jadi aku beli betina aja lah, siapa tau bisa kawin). Wawawa ini katanya umurnya 3,5 bulan. Tapi aku nggak percaya banget banget sih... wong masih kecil, meskipun lebih gede dari Wawawi. Wawawa ini aku beli di salah satu toko hewan peliharaan di Mall kota Magelang. Karena aku nggak naik mobil, jadi pas perjalanan pulang aku keliatan kayak pedagang hewan jahat yang tampak akan menyiksa kelinci kecil. Semua mata tertuju padaku .____. Sampe aku malu banget. Setiap ada bangjo (lampu merah) aku berdoa supaya lampunya ijo , soalnya kalo merah pasti pada ngeliatin aku sambil mikir 'Ni anak ngapain bawa bawa kelinci kecil dikandangin naik motor?' Yah butuh perjuangan emang mau bawa Wawawa ke rumah.

Sesampainya Wawawa di rumah, aku satuin dia sama Wawawi (Aku nggak ngerti apa ini baik apa enggak, soalnya takpikir gapapa sih) Wawawa dan Wawawi ini nggak bertengkar, meskipun Wawawa keliatan lebih enerjik dari Wawawi tapi Wawawa nggak menyerang (Tapi dia satu dua kali nginjek Wawawi yang lebih kecil). Waktu Wawawa dateng aku pikir Wawawi bakal lebih bertenaga, karena awalnya aku pikir dia pasif dan nggak begitu suka makan karena stress gapunya teman. Ternyata begitu Wawawa datang, Wawawi juga nggak jadi jauh lebih baik. Malahan dia makin diem. Padahal aku lebih sayang Wawawi (Maaf ya, Wa).

 

Halo tuan tuan! Aku Wawawa! Versi betinanya Wawawi XD

 

Wawawa ini kemudian memunculkan keributan -_____- (Dateng belum sehari aja udah bikin gempar) . Jadi waktu tak tinggal Sholat Dhuhur, Wawawi sama Wawawa nggak aku kandangin. Cuma aku taruh di keranjang bentuk balok yang ilang atasnya.Begitu selesai sholat, aku rencana masukin mereka ke kandang. Eh yang sisa di keranjang tinggal Wawawi -___- Masa iya Wawawi yang kecil makan Wawawa -____-. Akhirnya aku cari Wawawa, entah kenapa aku dapet feeling dia masih di rumah dan nggak keluar ke jalan raya. Jadi aku nggak fokus ke pencarian luar rumah, aku nyari Wawawa di dalem rumah (tepatnya di sekitaran taman). Awalnya aku udah sedih banget ih masak baru beli udah ilang, udah aku maki maki tu Wawawa pokoknya dia harus dikandangin dan jangan sering sering dikeluarin (lho jahat). Eh setelah beberapa menit nyari (ga nyampe 5 menit) ternyata Wawawa lagi sembunyi dari aku di kursi taman. Lega banget rasanya, untung aja dia ga ilang. Aku coba tangkep Wawawa tapi dia lari ke garasi, aku ikutin Wawawa sambil nutup pintu garasi, supaya Wawawa nggak keluar. Setelah ketangkep dengan penuh susah payah (karena dia mesti ngelawan pas diangkat jadi aku takut maksanya, aku gerakin dikit dikit aja) akhirnya Wawawa sukses masuk kandang. Sedangkan Wawawi..... dia masih diem aja, tapi bernafas sih...

Yaudah aku tinggal mereka berdua sampe setelah Ashar, aku kasih makan mereka sayur sayuran yang udah dilayuin (tapi nggak layu layu banget soalnya belum lama aku ngeringinnya). Pas Ashar, aku keluarin Wawawi buat makan rumput rumput di taman soalnya dia suka.. nah tapi kok dia diem aja, aku udah suapin ken mulutnya tetep aja di endus endus doang, yaudah aku masukin lagi ke kandang biar dia makan sayuran yang layu aja (Eh tapi Wawawa malah rakus banget sampe Wawawi kebagian dikit, itu aja ga dimakan =___=) Tiba tiba aja, kakinya Wawawi nyentak nyentak. Gila aku kaget banget, takut banget, deg degan banget (alay banget kedengarannya? coba peliharaanmu tiba tiba kejang kejang baru tau deh) . Aku takut Wawawi bakal mati , tapi firasatku bilangnya gitu. Aku langsung masuk kamar, nggak berani ngeliat kandang lagi. Terakhir aku liat Wawawa nggosok nggosokin dagunya ke Wawawi yang kejang kejang. Ampun, nggak kuat  :(

Langsung aku curhat ke temenku yang ngasih Wawawi sbg kado ke aku. Aku awalnya tanya soal kucingnya dulu pas mati gimana, aku takutnya kejang kejang ini pertanda Wawawi bakal mati. Aku panik waktu dia nggak jawab jawab. Aku udah nangis pas itu, nggak mau Wawawi mati dan kenapa napa, rencanaku kalo sempat besok Wawawi tak bawa ke Drh. Begitu temenku mbales, she tried to make me calm down. Tapi namanya sobad ya nenanginnya malah bikin nggak tenang. Susah emang punya sobad kaya dia.
Terus sebelum buka aku beraniin diri buat nengok kandang. Bener aja, Wawawi kaku. Dia posisinya kayak manusia tidur menyamping, tapi dia kaku dan udah nggak nafas. Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rojiun. Aku nggak ngerti aku gila atau apa, tapi begitu aku tau dia mati seketika kok lega. Bisa narik dan mbuang nafas panjang. Rasanya lebih baik Wawawi mati langsung daripada harus nerusin kejang kejang kesakitan kayak tadi.

Wawa kesepian sekarang :(

Ada rasa bersalah numpuk banget bikin ati sesek.
Pertama, Wawawi itu pemberian, bukan aku beli dari uangku sendiri dan dari niatku sendiri. Wawawi itu amanah. Aku awalnya bingung cara ngasih tau ke orang yang ngado aku soal kematian Wawawi. Dia ngado aku kemaren pake kelinci dan makanannya yang aku tau nggak murah. Terus tiba tiba besok kado dari dia udah mati. Takutnya sobad sobad ini ngerasa kadonya sia sia (bukan seperti chandelier). Lebih takutnya lagi sobad sobad trauma ngado, jangan ya bad, kan aku rugi bad. Jadinya sedih banget karena nggak bisa jaga amanah. Ternyata susah ngerawat makhluk hidup, susah njaga makhluk hidup yang punya nyawa. Dan dari itu aku sadar banyak hal juga, dari orang tuaku yang ngerawat aku, terus temen temenku yang punya peliharaan apapun, mereka jauh lebih bisa diandalkan dan bisa bertanggung jawab atas nyawa makhluk hidup yang susah dijaga itu. Rasanya agak down begitu tau aku nggak sedewasa dan sebisa itu menjaga sesehewan, atau seseorang.
Kedua, Aku nggak nemenin Wawawi waktu dia kejang (re : sekarat, dying). Itu bikin aku sadar aku nggak punya keberanian buat merasakan (taken from : The Last Song Movies). Aku nggak mau ngerasain  sakitnya waktu Wawawi akhirnya menghembuskan nafas terakhir. Sedihnya aku terlalu takut. Begitu semua ini selesai dan Wawawi dikubur, aku maki maki diri sendiri gara gara jadi orang penakut. Mungkin nggak akan ngerubah apa apa. Tapi seenggaknya kalo aku di deket Wawawi waktu dia sekarat aku bisa ngelus ngelus kepalanya (kelinci suka dielus kepalanya) atau bisa nenangin dia jadi Wawawi nggak akan mati seakan akan aku nggak peduli. Tapi namanya penyesalan, selalu dateng di akhir. Karena kalo diawal adanya perkenalan.(lho cha apa)

Intinya dari penyesalan ini aku bisa ngambil pelajaran yang berharga, bahwa tiap detik hembusan nafas itu berharga, bahwa yang namanya kehilangan itu jangan diratap, bahwa tanggung jawab itu mutlak harus dijaga.
Nah,
Mulai sekarang...
Cuma ada Wawawa. (huehuehuehuehue) XD

  

Kapan aku boleh mainan keluar, Ma?

  

Ughhh harussss bisaaa keluarr!!!

 

Mandi dulu deh sebelum mainan keluar

 

 

Huhh lama! Mainan sama Minion aja! 

 

Sesehewan (Part 1)

It's sunday. And it's a long long holiday after my fourth semester in SHS. You know how bored I am.

Assalamualaikum!
Aku mau memperkenalkan seseorang nih :P bukan seseorang juga sih, sesehewan sebenernya. Sebelum itu, aku mau cerita gimana 'sesehewan'  ini bisa masuk ke hidupku (lho kok sok puitis, jangan ngece -__-).

Untuk memulai cerita, kita harus flashback sejauh jauhnya ke masa lampau. Tapi ya jangan jauh jauh banget, aku belum lahir. Sekitar waktu aku kelas 5 atau 6 sd lah pokoknya (FYI, sekarang naik 3 SMA nih).

Diceritakan pada suatu hari, Ibu dan Bapak (Jujur, aku manggilnya Papa Mama tapi kayaknya ketok manja jadi tak ganti ya. Aku nggak semanja itu kok.) pergi naik mobil ke suatu tempat (aku lupa) dan pulang pulang bawa kantong plastik besar dan satu kandang kawat besar. Kantong plastik besar ini isinya ikan dan emang bapakku hobi banget sama ikan. Ikannya meskipun nggak macem macem dan bagus bagus jenisnya, tapi jumlahnya itu lho banyak. Dulu aku  hobi banget nangkring deket kolam ngeliatin ibu ikan ngelindungin anak anaknya yang kecil kecil, baru segede upil. Pernah ikutan njebur juga, tapi itu cerita lain.
Pokoknya aku langsung fokus sama bapak yang masukin ikan ikan baru ke kolam besar isi ikan ikan lama. Bisa lucu gitu sambil gerak gerak sambil mulutnya kayak ngomong "Mo Mo Mo" kadang juga waktu lagi mangap mo mo mo nabrak ikan laen jadi kayak ciuman. Modus berat. :<

Setelah bapak selesai masukin ikan dan ikannya kelihatan baik baik aja, bapak ngeluarin kandang gede dari bagasi. Tebak isinya apa? Bukan anjing, bukan kucing, bukan ayam, menthog, bebek apalagi monyet. Bapak beli kandang isi dua kelinci! Uwuw, betapa senang hati seorang anak belum lulus SD ngeliat bola bulu hidup!
Bapak bilang ini harus diurus baik baik, nanti Bapak bantu ngurusnya (tapi pada kenyataannya, bapak bahkan nggak nyentuh =_______=) . Dua kelinci ini jenis kelaminnya beda, ukurannya juga beda.
Yang jantan kayaknya kelici jenis Dutch ukurannya kecil mungkin 2 atau 3 bulan umurnya, sementara yang betina gendut amat tapi gatau deh jenisnya apa. Kandang dua kelinci ini kemudian ditaruh di taman, deket tempat prakteknya ibuku.

Singkat cerita, tiap hari aku selalu aja seneng ngasih makan dan ngeluarin mereka. Si jantan gesitnya bukan main,sukanya lari larian gila sampe susah dikejar buat dikembaliin ke kandangnya. Beda ama si jantan, si betina gendut ini nggak banyak gerak (dulu aku kira hamil, tapi mungkin cuma obesitas aja kali ya) alhasil aku lebih suka sama si gendut, selain nggak ngerepotin dia lebih lucu soalnya gendut. Aku inget aku kasih nama buat dua kelinci itu, namanya agak kebarat baratan yang jelas. Sayangnya aku udah lupa sama nama namanya. =___=

Aku dan Farid (adikku yang pertama) berbagi kelinci. Kelinciku yang gendut, kelincinya farid yang jantan kecil ngerepotin. Kita sering main main sambil ngelepas mereka kalo sore, kalo pagi aku ikut nenek cari kangkung buat makanan kelinci. Dulu keinciku cuma takkasih kangkung dan wortel, aku belum mengenal apa  itu pelet dan makanan makanan canggih lainnya. Tapi selain itu kelinci kelinci ini tiap dilepas selalu nyambi makan rumput. Jadi sebagai anak yang belum lulus SD pada masanya, aku merasa gizinya udah cukup. :9

Sampai suatu hari kelinciku mendadak ga makan. Yang makan cuma si jantan, sampe sampe kangkungnya jadi dihabisin semua sama si jantan. Awalnya aku nggak ngerti kenapa kok bisa males makan, aku nyalahin kelinci kecil jantan yang terlalu rakus. Sampe akhirnya kelinciku jadi almarhumah. Aku sedih banget waktu itu, meskipun umur mereka di rumah udah agak lama, tapi tetep aja ngerasa kehilangan.
Kemudian nenekku melakukan investigasi (lho?) dan menemukan jawaban kenapa kelinciku mati, Dia dikasih makan daun blimbing wuluh sama Aan (adikku yang kedua). Begitu tau, aku jadi marah dan benci sama Aan meskipun cuma sementara. Secara nggak langsung dia menyebabkan kematian Nyonya Kelinci ToT

Alhamdulillahnya, si jantan sehat terus dan lincah terus sampe aku harus pindah ke luar kota. Keluargaku bingung si jantan ini mau digimanain, masalahnya kalo dibawa dia bisa stres dan mati. Iya kalo pindahnya deket, ha masalahnya ini pindah dari Surabaya ke Magelang, udah beda provinsi bok. Akhirnya, dengan haru aku sekeluarga mengucapkan Selamat Menunaikan Ibadah Puasa perpisahan ke si jantan yang akhirnya diadopsi sama om tetangga nenek. :D