It was a hot,dry, night in October.
I didn't turn my AC on, but it feel super cold my feet are freezing on its own. I was scrolling through my feed on instagram when someone send me a message saying something bad happened. The person told me about the bad situation on another messenger app, describing how severe the situation is. The problem itself wasn't an important thing,tho. But it certainly made me write this in the middle of the night.
The bad situation above was nothing but a small matter, I know I can easily figure it out.
But the thoughts after i got the problems? That I don't know how to deal with.
The problem was about me doing something i shouldn't have in the past, making bad decision, causing someone to ask me for a payback regarding the casualties i've caused by taking the decision in the past. Oh, I wasn't even scared, I knew that was a fcking threat from a sly person slash gold digger slash scum. How did I know? well easy, they didnt even mention it at the first time we met. they said the problem was clear and so. But when I was not around? they baffled about this situation and payback thing. Hah? bullshit. You were just too scared to ask me for payback in the face. That's the first thing, im not scared and this payback thing is not why i wrote this entry for.
But it did got me thinking, how would i pay back my decision in the past? I mean, i will take responsible for it. Im also not a scaredy cat who runaway from my problems (at least until i finish this entry, who knows whats gonna happen at the end of this entry right?). I thought about fresh money this scum is talking about. I calculated the amount of it. It was a big amount for someone who has no job like me. But you know, im glad i have a financially stable parent. Maybe i could cut my monthly pocket money and use it to payback this scum.
Problem solved, right?
No.
That means i have to tell my parent what my problem is, why do i need my pocket money to be cut off monthly, and whom i give the money for? or simply how did i end up like this. That's not an easy question. It's kinda like spider web effects. It's big, its length times width equals complicated. It will require me to explain why i am in this environment, or project, or community, i was working for. I will have to tell them i was being pushed by this and that, who and what,tell them i was doing everything ilegally without consenting my parents in this city i study in,etc. That would get me into trouble, and they would scold me hard for it, possibly punish me harder than what this payback situation already did to me. They would probably talk about how reckless i am, how ignorant i am (i was going to say stupid, but my parents never tell me explicitly like that, they use softer adjective with same meaning as that), or i dont know, they would basically scold me for living like i am right now. And as long as i live, i think ive been this way for a long long time. Are they seriously gonna scold me for being me this past years? or maybe they were just holding it in this past years? Both sounds horrible. But yeah, whats more terrible is that this was all just my assumption, basing on what i knew about my parents, and how well they react to my problems, it's still a surprise of how they gon react to this.
It could be worse.
Then, the thoughts came.
Have u ever feel like something big just pass by and hit u hard in the head? It's like a storm coming out of nowhere, but it moves fast so when u start to process what just happened, youre already wet. Wet as hell. Wait, hell isn't wet, right?
But i think you'd get it. It's the situation when u get hurt, super painful it feels like someone just left a big open scar on your chest, and it's also burning, like..... i don't know. Life gives you lemon sometimes (and then a dumb person came with the quote when life gives u lemon, make a lemonade out of it, well sir this life gives me lemon squeezed into my big fckin open scars in the heart it felt like the most painful heartbreak, (and i always get my heart broken))
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'The thoughts' are evil.
It's simple, but meaningful, and super painful.
It consists of questions like this:
"Why didn't i think it will become like this?"
"Why didn't i think?"
"Why am I such an ignorant, dumb, fool, stupid, ugly, fat, dark skinned, full of acnes, stingy, not thinking about others and their feelings and your action that could affect them maybe now they re hurt because u told them ur story they didnt even need to know and now they might be complaining to God about your existence??????????????"
Have u ever questioned yourself like that?
I mean, it was just about the payback before but after the thoughts came, it became super different.
I will blame every single frickin small things super small atomic proton neutron shits out of myself.
It sucks.
But hey,
You know what sucks even more?
You probably won't even understand it.
You probably won't read this entry much further.
You probably won't reach this particular sentence of this entry.
You probably won't think this is a big deal.
You probably think I am a hyperbolic trying to be the saddest in the world bitj.
You probably think you don't know me when you finally see i use the word bitcj, fck, shit, and other curse word here.
You probably will hate me for behaving unlike what i dress. I mean, i know u expect me to be softer. I can feel that, some people even have said it to my face with no shame.
You'll still probably hate me even after i finish this entry, because i use probably a lot, you think i am judging you or being a smart ass person thinking i know everything?
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When i reached to the point i was hyperventilating and tears flowing harder than u refill ur free drinks at AYCE restaurants, i called a friend (nope, my friend called me first actually, after i rejected it so many times because i was too busy thinking about the 'probably's' if i told someone i am sad or having a bad situation, or simply not okay. Thank God my friend has a good instinct)
The first thing we spoke about was of course, he/she asked me if I was okay. And of course i didn't answer, i was too busy catching my breath.
And he/she asked what i was thinking, I still didn't answer. I was too busy taking deep breaths trying to calm my tits down. Yes, i am sorry for being harsher and harsher every now and then, judge me, i know you guys are good at that.
He/she asked me again, if I want to discuss about something, this time I answered it with a question
"How to kill urself quickly in the most painless thing possible?"
"...............Well, they could sedate you and give you lethal injections" he/she said.
"Where can we get that?"
"I don't think it's legal here."
"It doesn't have to be here."
"O.....kay, but it's against your religion to kill urself"
I stopped, religion is both the first and last thing i want to discuss regarding this 'thoughts' problems.
I personally think it hold the keys to a beautiful and calm life. But it also is a dead end for someone who feels like the world is against them.
It's like when u get into tooo much problems you want to end your life but then religion stopped it by its verses. It's a dead end for suicide tempter, but also not a good solution for them. I mean, you seriously think suicide tempter can think clearly and contemplate what religion has for them? Religion has never mention specific things, technical things to deal with suicide thing except one : don't.
It does not include any manuals of how to stop thinking about killing urself, i guess.
It said maybe : to stop thinking about bad things, you have to think about good things. If my brain was full of negative thoughts, and i cant even put more thoughts into it, how can u just expect me to fill it again with other thoughts? (positive one)
Religion is a medicine for someone who can think clearly at the moment, i dont think it's a good stop for them who is in the midst of thoughts storm.
Or.. you know, I don't.
Think.
Anyways, i'm going to pray again after i write this. I felt pretty sinful already.
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My friend and I continue the convos. He/she starts bothering the hyperventilatic me by asking if
"Is it me?"
"Did I do something wrong?"
"U crying now right? I can hear that."
"What can I do?"
"What can I help?"
"I am sorry if it was because of me"
Ffs, stop the 'I' pronouns. Are you really thinking about my condition or are you just not wanting to feel guilty so you can feel better?
You are breathing fine. I am not.
How dare you still think about yourself and your mistake even asking me to forgive you when i didnt even say a thing because i was too busy breathing?
I hate it. I am sorry, i know you care.But I don't know what can u do for me. If i knew, i would have asked you the first time I answer your phone. But now maybe... I just want you to guide me breathe, pal, I know you can hear the gasping voice i made.
I didn;t want to tell u anything at the moment. I just need to breathe, I was in panic.
I can't even breathe like really it feels like you hold your breathe for a second too long in the pool because the swim teacher ask the students to hold their breathe for 15,30,60 secs when u only have the capacity to hold 59'.
But i got the handle of myself slowly, i still breathe like i just ran 5 laps of my college roads but it's better than before (it was that bad).
And of course my friend still asks me to tell me what happened.
So i told him/her what happened.
Starting from the payback thing,
My thoughts to reach out some loan from my parents,
My evil thoughts following my solution,
includes of all thoughts,final thoughts, of me being not good enough,
or more precisely,
not good at all.
You know what?
He/She keeps bursting in the midst of my story, saying sweet things such as
"No, you are a good bla bla bla"
"Ive been there too I know that thought"
"Bla bla bla bla i cant remember because i was too mad, bruh"
You told me to tell my problems, and then u replied it with yours.
Come on.
I asked him/her again if he/she wants to be an ear? or a mouth?
Does he/she listen to reply?
or to understand?
I was still hyperventilating, man. Don't make me mad and even narrows my breathe even more. U gon kill me or what? I mean, if u wanted to do so, thanks.
So I hung up the phone, text him/here politely that i should just take alone time for a while and to call him/her later when i feel better. (Still haven't told him/ her now, but I actually feel good writing this)
I walked and see my reflection in the mirror, i look bad, i mean super ugly with my red nose and eyes, plus the stuffiest eyes in the world now i look like chinese cuz i have slanted eyes.
I mean, this is not my worst cry, i am the best in crying. I cry silently and my tear glands are super productive and cooperative. I have no ide how i survived and still can open my eyes today, considering that I always cry every night.
Yup, let's jump into the next part where no one knows, now.
Good night.
